The Fire…

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, One God Amen.

            O my Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ, I thank you upon every condition and in every condition and for every condition. O Lord as I look at my days thus far I sit and wonder why I have done so many things and especially what I have not done. I wonder why at times I feel so close to you and love it and why when I am so far away I love it as well. I feel as though I am the most lukewarm of all. I have and feel the fire of the Holy Spirit and feel the freezing cold of sin. Yet, both extremes keep content. Both extremes satisfy my needs and make me feel at peace. When I am so close to you I feel right and feel as though everything is good, and when I am away, I will not lie and say I feel wrong, but I feel that it is the way of happiness, and feel a sense of “real” happiness. The problem then lies in me because I am torn in two.

            I sway with the wind. I jump on the path to you and any shift leads me away because I am not strong enough in spirituality to stay on the path for long. I fill myself with spiritual things and I follow exercises meant to guide me, yet I still stray. As I think about my ways and wrongs at times I feel real tears of regret, sorrow, disgust, and anger at my sins. I vow in front of you to never trespass against your will. I still stray. Do I hate sin? Do I hate committing the sin? Or do I THINK I hate my sins? These are the questions that plague my path.

            I read about those saints who overcame and wish and hope to be that strong. They prayed. I pray. They fasted. I fast. They attended. I attend. Is it my level of intensity? Is it the true sincerity of my actions? Am I more sincere to committing the sin whole heartedly, giving it due time and effort? Do I devote that same effort in serving you? Or do I speed it up and hope for its end in sight? Do I pray and give it all the time in the world? No. Do I count the days for the fast to end? Yes. I devote more to sin. I do. I give my transgressions EVERYTHING they need to grow and prosper, yet I give you bare minimums at the MOST! So then lies the fact that I am cold and frozen is my soul. These saints that I try to imitate are different because they gave these things their due and more. Their intensity was great. Their practice was unceasing. Their hearts scorched with fire of your spirit.

            That fire is what I need. Is my fire strong enough to engulf the ice and rain upon it? No. Is my fire strong enough to engulf my soul in passion for my Savior? No. Is my fire strong enough like the saints to engulf the souls of those around me to the Lord? No. The saint’s fire spreads like wildfire and molten lava destroying all evil in its path, and filling all with fiery passion. The fire of St. Paul and St. Peter, transformed nations and brought them to you. The fire of your apostles led them to walk thousands of miles to their deaths in your name. Their fire was so great that we say, “The shadows of one cast out demons, and the handkerchiefs of the other healed sicknesses.” Their fire spread to their shadows and to their garments?! Their fire was so great that bones of some and the garments left behind to this day heal and cast out demons in your name. How hot must their passion and love be for you for this to happen?

            When these people say they loved you they meant it. When I say it, I mean it, but Lord you know I don’t show it. At all. My actions are those of one who talks and does not act. Or at least acts in the least possible way to slide by. But the truth that I escape and I run away from is that in that day when you judge I will not slide by. I have this notion in my head that I have time and time some more to let my soul be filled with that passion. I have notions that I have the fire. I have these notions that I am lukewarm. I have these notions that I am cold. So the fact is I don’t know.

            I can clearly and adequately discuss church history. I know the rites and dogmas of my church. I can sing many a hymn to your name. I can clearly show how to get on the spiritual path and ways to stay on it. But I don’t know anything about my own path. What’s all this knowledge and learning going to do? A lot. I know that these things let me know who you are. I now these things let me understand your ways. But on the balance, are they relevant at all if I am not sure where I stand in my relationship with you?

            It is as if I love a certain girl. I know everything about her. I know how to talk to her. But I don’t talk to her. I know what she likes. I don’t do it. I know what she hates. I do it all the time, with a smile on my face. She asks me to do minimal simple things, I say I will and shrug it off. I tell her I will do things for her, I shrug those off as well. I make millions of promises. And break millions of them. She invites me over her house all the time. I go, only to ignore her. Do I really love her? The real question is would she still love me? Will she allow me to still visit her? No more. Will she still ask me to do things? No. Will she allow me to talk to her? Most likely not. Will she still love me? Definitely Not. But you ,O Lord, are different, so different is your love that it will never be understood in my human terms. So much so, every liturgy we pray and say  O Incomprehensible One; because no one, can understand the extent of your love. If your love were something understandable by our minds, then logically you would hate us for our acts.

            It is so surprising that no matter what happens especially the bad, I go to you. I know so much about you; yet barely know you at the same time. What I do have O Lord is the want. The want for the fire of the Holy Spirit.

            What I need to understand is the difference between want and need as they relate to you. The actual feeling that I am talking about is “the want to need you.” The one who needs never ever forgets he who provides. The one, who wants, easily forgets. The one who needs is eternally grateful for the fulfillment of his needs. The one who wants, barely notices a change. The one who needs is satisfied, the one who wants always wants more and better. Never should I say “I really want to _____” anything relating to you. It should be “I will _______” because it is a need. The need is the fuel to the flame of the Holy Spirit. The actions ignite the flames of passion. My perseverance in your ways strengthens my flame. You O Lord allow for my flame to spread according to your will.

            I am in dying NEED of you O Savior. No longer do I want to get closer to you. I need to. I will. Through the grace, mercy, compassion, fire of your Holy Spirit and eternal love, grant me the ability to truly hate my sins., to truly understand our relationship, and especially to truly know you

O Lord, I pray through the intercessions of the Ever Virgin, the Holy Theotokos Saint Mary, Archangel Michael, the Head of the Heavenly Hosts and all the Martyrs and Saints that you allow your Holy Spirit to engulf my mind, body, soul and heart in the flames of love for you.